Tonight I laid clutching my daughter, overcome with a fear that creeps into my heart far to often. A fear of death, of leaving – not just being gone from the earth – but a fear of leaving things undone. This fear has been growing since I learned of my sweet girl. So many things race through my head. Will I see her grow? When I go? Will it harm her? How do I keep her safe? All questions with no answer.
However; as the potter shaped me he knows the answer. I am learning to have faith, I am being shaped daily.
I guess you could say I am a reluctant believer. Do I believe in the Lord? Yes, I have seen His works, been lifted by His Spirit and rest in His salvation. Yet with all this knowledge, I forget about Him daily. I allow things to steal my day away – I forget to look at my blessings and I focus on the negativity. I am complacent and full of complaints.
I have always felt driven, or pushed to do something. I have a passion within that both weakens me when it overflows and strengthens me as it forces me to grow. I write these words now as a part of this growth. I have so much to share but I never know how to do so. At times I feel manic and overcome.
I am writing this with the hope that it can help someone, and that it will help shape me into the woman I would like to become. I have many failed ventures in my life, I pray that they teach me something, and that by sharing I can help someone else.